Stalled.

I'm 16 years old. I'm 16 years old.. I'm 16 years old.

I'll say it over, and over, and it feels like I have to convince myself. I really don't feel 16 years old at all. When I think of 16 years old, I think of all the people at my highschool, I think of the people who speak twice as loud in public, so that EVERYONE can hear them. I think of the kids on the transit bus, who are so completely ridiculous, the girls and boys who drink themselves silly every single fucking weekend, trying to get stupid and touch eachother. I think of the kids who get high everyday, I think of the kids in the library, much rather hiding, than anything else. The girls with their barely there skirts, and 4 inch heels, the girls who don't respect themselves, the 16 year olds who have no respect at all. With few exceptions, I am so unlike the typical idea of a 16 year old.

At first I thought to myself, shit, why did I have to grow up so fast? Why do I have to know as much as I do? Why can't I just be another ignorant highschool student who just wants to have "fun". Then I remember that really, they're not. I remember what went on in my mind when I was them, in those same situations, and then I just feel bad for them. They're really kind of, stuck, stalled. They're repeating the same unproductive existence, never growing, just kind of staying the same. I don't think they're "stupid", but knowledge means nothing unless it is taken into effect. No one cares to make a difference anymore, they are fine being a waste of flesh and bone and brain.

So I start to think back to me, because no matter how much a observe others, I will always look to myself, and analyze as well. I find that I don't fuck up, because I'm really dumb, and don't know any better. Right now, when I make bad decisions, it's because i'm stuck, i'm stalled. I think differently than 95% of the people around, they don't think the way I do, they have very little to offer me mentally, and honestly it gets pretty fucking lonely, being so unlike even your best friends. So I decide to do stupid things, I dumb myself down, so I can atleast feel a bit connected, I fuck up because it makes me feel a little more like everyone else, and it's really "not a matter of wrong or right, it's about how it makes you feel". I do think it's pathetic though, that in this world, I have to create defects, to be able to bond.

That's why I am stuck, I'm 16 with purpose and direction, I am pleased with myself, and I haven't quite found too many people who are like-minded. I'll go on though, day to day, through highschool being constantly surrounded by people so unlike myself, for the next year and a half.

I cannot wait for the sweet release of graduation. I could be wrong, and not much will change, but any change fron highschool, is honestly so much to be thankful for.

goodbyes come and go

you slid into and out of my life, so perfectly, it was almost an art. and I pawed at you, like you were a thing of the present, that you weren't already gone, or that maybe it could be the same, but it's never like that. Believe me, I am not devoid of sentiment, I am not completely full of pain, my life is not empty, but life is full of pain, you can't give yourself to something knowing all it has to offer you is pain, their pain is all they have, and it's all they can give. When you realize that everything means all of you, and only you, it's really different, you're really different. Simply you can't give love, if you never had it to begin with, but you do, you always do. It's always with you, but if you never look, you'll never find it. If you try and give it, out of thin air, it's completely that, so vacuous. It's like you made it up, it's just a story, and stories are barely real, and all have unanswered ending. If you want a story, you'll receive a brief moment in time, that's all you get. You never let it be. It starts with you, and you never just let it go, let yourself go, and you were hiding behind pretty words, and it made me hurt.

confidence vs cockiness

Where exactly is the line drawn? I don't really know.

I consider myself a very confident person. I generally really like myself, and in this day and age, it seems pretty rare. I'm my own idea of what I think I should be, in that right, I feel I make very little mistakes.

I tried, but i can't do it, I am not humble. I think it's great to think you're great, and I'm not going to shut up and act like I don't, or say I don't, no i'm not parading around in a swimsuit with a large sign saying I'm perfect. All I'm saying is if the subject of myself comes up, I won't talk down. With this said, I think a lot of people mistake me for being cocky.

cock·y

adj. cock·i·er, cock·i·est Overly self-assertive or self-confident. cock'i·ly adv., cock'i·ness n.

Who's to say how much you're allowed to like yourself? I think it's just so incredibly common that people think so little of themselves and are so unhappy with their lives that when I show that I'm not weak, I'm not stupid, I'm not fake, I'm not self-loathing, that I've accepted myself wholely, I have goals, and standards, they assume it can't be real, that i'm just some sad little girl trying to keep up appearances. They refer to what they think cocky is, which is someone who tries to appear better than they are to hide the fact that they really don't like themselves. Besides the fact that that is so far from me. I really do love myself, but I definitely love others, I love making people happy, and making people feel good about themselves, I try to get people to see themselves and treat themselves the way I treat & see myself.

I guess so be it, I am cocky, I am overly confident, because I like myself a little more than you may like yourself. That's fine. Hate me, but know that I don't. I also won't feed your hatred by hating you, because I don't, I wouldn't waste my time.

decisions.

As we all know, life consists of numerous decisions, these decisions will determine the course and quality of your life, so you'd want to make good ones wouldn't you?

Well I'm at a point in my life where I have this huge decision I need to make, it can make or break me, and it's quite frightening. My impulsive need to indulge could be the death of me, or the best of me. I haven't quite decided.lol. I'm trying to make the utmost best decisions for myself, and it would seem obviosu that this shouldn't be something I decide to do, but it's not. My artistic creativity fiends for it, and I like it, which I haven't decided if it's good or bad.

I feel that If I carry this on, it would be the biggest self-test for me, and i'm completely intrigued. I already think I have amazing self control & control of others (sounds worse than it is), and this would be the ultimate test, but if I fail. I truly would fail. It's scary, really scary. If I told anyone else they just wouldn't get it, but it makes perfect sense to me. Strictly because I completely understand myself, I know myself really well, I feel I can trust myself, but this is a great gamble.

The worst part is , I've already decided, and now, all I have to do is wait.